Oh yeah, this is nice. What a glorious and triumphant feeling. I write by partial candlelight and my kids are playing in a pile of pillows in the living room. Happily. We are all happy and having a good time! I've got feel good music playing and...

And then there's a moment. An opportunity. Or as it felt at the time, a "problem." My older son Every decided it was time to blow the candles out (they'd been lit for a few minutes) and I did not like the idea at all. I felt the tension rise within me. Uh oh, this is a familiar feeling. Rage. I felt annoyed first. "Ugh, he's always raining on my parade" is what went through my mind. I was not happy with what I was thinking or feeling. The memory of rage that surfaced within me is NOT the real me. I said "No, we just lit them." Every began to get wild, spitting at the candles and flailing his arms around them. I panicked and gripped his arms, glaring at him, then I made the concious decision to let it go. This was harder than I thought it would be. I was angry that he was resisting. He was angry that *I* was resisting. In the moment I couldn't see past my expectation of what I wanted to happen. I wanted the candles to stay lit, it felt nice. I felt dominated by my son calling the shots and me not liking it. I realized that I do this to him all the time, call the shots whether he likes it or not and expect him to just comply and adapt to my demands. And this "problem" as I perceive it to be is just a memory resurfacing from my past, whether it be last week, last year, ten years ago, 100 years ago, or 1000 years ago. My soul remembers, because it has hung on to this memory. Only love can erase it. And to access love, one must be willing to let down the barriers of anger, resentment, jealousy, greed, fear, shame, and guilt. One must own his or her reactions and take responsibility (not blame) for what has happened. I forced myself to just release his arm and then held my head in my hands, repeating, "I'm sorry, I'm so so sorry." After about 7 times, I was really FEELING sorry. At first I didn't like saying sorry. It was admitting that I was in error. But then love took over. It wasn't a big deal anymore. I said, "Ok, time to blow out the candles?" Every gleefully shouted "Yes!" We blew out the candles and carried on our merry ways, the memory erased in both of our minds. I cleared it for both of us. Before, I would have remained stuck in my grudge for quite awhile.

I've experienced this same feeling of rage with my parents, with other people in my life, relationships with men, children, women, myself. They are just memories replaying from some time in the past that I have not yet let go. But I CAN let go of each of them as they come up. It seems tedious at first, but the rewards are limitless. The freedom is almost indescribable. Overwhelming amounts of love and joy can pour into your heart. I have shocked myself with what I thought was undoable, at least for me. I've heard of other people, like Mother Theresa, but didn't think that *I* could do it to. Peace DOES begin with me.

Geeze, was it really that simple? Why was it so hard to let go? I didn't think that I was the problem. I thought that my son was the problem. His behavior. I blamed him for being defiant, when it was just a memory of my own defiance playing in my mind, and I did not like it. It made me angry. But when I took ownership of MY pattern that was showing up, everything changed inside of me. There was a shift. These were MY patterns, not his! The problem really lay in MY reaction to the memory replaying. But I know now that by saying either "I love you," "I'm sorry," "Please forgive me," or "Thank you" EVEN IF I DO NOT FEEL IT, the shift happens. I feel it later. Or sometimes immediately. I say it in my head. Or out loud. To the divine. To that which created me. I am NOT in charge, but am constantly finding myself trying to control. At first I felt defeated, but it soon turned into liberation. 

What freedom to not have to feel the way I was feeling! How horrible and sad is it to look at my child in a moment of a rage memory and feel disgusted with him? How beautiful to just take out the memory tape alltogether just by saying these phrases! To let go, and replace the fear and anger with love and inspiration. 

So far, this Ho'oponopono method of problem solving has transformed me far more than anything I can remember. I have felt so much inspiration! I mean, I've had inspiration before, but never like this, never so frequent! I am now striving for moment-to-moment inspiration. Life is just that much more beautiful, simpler, and easier!

I admit, it IS difficult to get over my ego, my pride, my desire to be right. In the moment, it is hard to stop, be silent, and force myself to utter the words "I love you" through gritted teeth. To love, not fight. To accept with open arms and heart, rather than resist. To be free of these icky feelings that drive us "insane." I just love love love this! Thank you for this awakening I am experiencing. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got lots of "cleaning" to do... 

Posted by fruitofthewomb at 11:31 PM NZT

Updated: Tuesday, 24 June 2008 1:00 AM NZT

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Okay, now I am surely crazy. I picked up the pickle jar I had just taken from and realized the lid wasn't on properly. But the jar stuck anyway, and didn't fall. I felt grateful, and said, "Thank you pickle jar and pickles for not falling!" Hmm...maybe Ho'oponopono really means "To make crazy" rather than "To make right" Lol. I'm kidding. I really love and believe in this process now that I am experiencing it WORKING. I can feel the change within me as I learn to let go of more "stuff" inside me. And as I continue to let go of more stuff, I talk more to my pickles and other things I will not mention, lol.

Posted by fruitofthewomb at 11:17 PM NZT

Updated: Tuesday, 24 June 2008 1:01 AM NZT

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"I have found inner peace. And thank goodness! I CAN bring peace to myself, my home and family, my children...This cleaning has shifted me."

A couple minutes after writing that in my journal this morning, there was an earthquake! And I wrote:

"Oh my God! There was an earthquake right now. What a vibration! I'd say 7:52am, Guam time, and at least a 4.0 or 4.5. Very interesting. Geeze, if that is not another sign from the universe that I GOT IT, I don't know what is.  I heard it and knew it was not an airplane (which fly over our house many times a day). My gut reaction was to drop to the floor, lying on the tile on my belly, ear and heart to the ground. I said "I love you", to the divine, to the ground. *I* was still shaking, heart pounding, almost panicky. I jumped up, trying to confirm that it was indeed an earthquake. I looked at the water in the jug, it was rocking back and forth. I hadn't touched it recently. The plants were vibrating, shaking, jiggling almost, lol. The water in the other vases around the house rocked back and forth. My body seemed to vibrate with fear. I almost instinctively thought of Ho'oponopono again and dropped to the floor, ear and heart on the ground. I dropped my weight, let go, said "I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU" to the ground, the earth, the divine. My body relaxed, a wave of calm enveloped me. I felt relieved. I stood up and looked around.

My boys did not even notice a thing, they didn't feel it I guess. The water was still. The plants were still. I was still. Whew! "Thank you!" I said to the earth, to the ground, the divine. I felt eternally grateful that it stopped. I would not let my ego say "I did it." Because I know I did NOT do it. The divine did it, I just happen to witness it. I don't know if it is because I said "I love you" to the ground and I don't care. I am thankful ANYWAY. Maybe the divine was using my physical environment to speak to me, to let me know I am on the right track with this whole love and Ho'oponopono thing. Lol. I don't care, I am thankful and relieved. My life has taken a HUGE, monumental, earth-shaking (pun intended) turn for the better.

I FEEL the love. There were opportunities even today, as I write, where ordinarily I would have reacted with resistence. For example, as I write, Every is drawing with a black permanent marker all over the blank booklet I made to write down family traditions of love and inspiration. Ordinarily, I would have been angry, or at LEAST annoyed and disappointed that my book might not get to be used what I INTENDED it to be used for. But I let it go. I said in my mind to Every, to the book, to myself, and most importantly, to the divine, "I LOVE YOU." Suddenly, I felt okay. He can draw in it. What's the harm? Maybe there is a BETTER book to write down family traditions in. Maybe a better opportunity is awaiting that I am not even aware of yet. I might be limiting myself by becoming angry at my son for "ruining" my book, when it is all just part of a series of events to lead me to the REAL outcome that is perfect for ME. And sure enough, as I let it go, he drew for a couple minutes, then put the book and marker down, said "I'm done", and continued on his merry way. No tension. No anger. No resentment. No tantrum. From either of us. I realized that if I had gotten angry at him, that would have been ME throwing a tantrum about not getting my way. I would have been bitching and moaning, causing hurt to BOTH of us, all the while preventing myself from experiencing joy and inspiration. I suddenly had the inspiration of writing about my parenting journey in conjunction with this journey of love. I can SEE all the open opportunities awaiting me if I am just willingly to let go of my expectations of how I think things should be. And thank God for that. =)

Posted by fruitofthewomb at 11:31 AM NZT

Updated: Tuesday, 24 June 2008 1:04 AM NZT

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 SO many places to choose from, where to start gardening? Just put some cucumber and basil seeds in a tray to sprout. Thinking about this spot on the west side of the house... There are beds in other places too. It is very windy up on the hill that we're on, so the wall is nice protection, and the plants would still get direct sun from about 10am until 6pm. What soil is there (there are a lot of cement blocks under there) isn't great, but I will be adding dirt.

 I'm also very proud of this particular plant. It was in a vase as part of my table centerpiece back in February andI planted it when it formed roots. Its looking great! I want to plant more herbs and edibles. I a, excited to really be in tune with thhe cycles of the earth, sun, moon, my body. Planning the garden is fun and is enhancing my creative and spiritual thinking. I feel at peace working in the dirt. And of course, both my kids naturally love it too. It is just as much of part of their being as it is a part of mine. They also make great laborers. ;-)

As I contemplate living a life-learning kind of "education" for my children, versus the typical institutionalized style known as "school", I can envision gardening being a big part of our learning. The science of the soil and plant growth, the patience and discipline, the love and satisfaction of creation, and the fruits of labor consumed...the cycle of life. Its all in the garden.

Posted by fruitofthewomb at 2:02 PM NZT

Updated: Tuesday, 24 June 2008 1:07 AM NZT

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It was one beautiful moment after another this morning. When I respond or react to any situation, person, place, thing, idea, etc., with LOVE, the outcome is BEAUTIFUL. It is perfect. Overwhelmingly overjoyous, peaceful, loving.

I GET IT.

My heart is pounding as I feel it. And I can't stop smiling. EVERYTHING is perfect if you can be at zero in your mind. Being present. Debt free. Garbage free. Pure love. Everything and everyone has a name, a soul, an energy, a family, a history, a memory.

Ho'oponopono.

I love you. Thank you. I'm sorry. Please forgive me.

Today is Cinco de Mayo. And a beautiful day it is. I've begun to really listen to the divine, and I can hear it! I CAN HEAR IT! I feel it. And everyone can do this. Everything has the divine within it. I can be in love in every moment of my existence if I choose to be. And I have never felt anything more sacred than this. An inner healing. A light has been turned on, and I am not turning it off.

Here is one example. This morning, as I was walking outside with Kenny on my back and Every by my side (we were hunting out a spot to start our garden), when the neighbors' dogs spotted us. They are friendly dogs, and I know them well, but when they come charging at you barking, it is a sight to see. Every was in my arms in about 2 milliseconds, and Kenny was afraid too. I felt the fear for that split second too, but then I DECIDED that I would respond with LOVE. Not anger. On a day a couple months ago, if this happened, I would have silently judged my neighbor, and the dogs. A number of thoughts would run through my mind, such as "Stupid dogs, how dare they charge at us like that and scare my kids" or "The neighbors should have them tied up, they know I have small children, how inconsiderate" or something along those lines. Then I probably would avoid the situation entirely, walking away in an awkward huff, continuing to be annoyed.

But not today. Today I suddenly felt LOVE. A deep calm swept over me, and I thought "Oh look! The dogs are so active, so ready to play!" I saw my neighbor go around to see what the dogs were barking at and she saw us and exclaimed "Are you okay?" I said "Yes, but he got scared," gesturing towards Every, who was clutching me tightly. She apologized, calling the dogs back. I walked up, instead of backing off. I asked what the dogs' names were. Kuma, Pipee, and Molly. =) We shared a short chit chat conversation and it was nice. Every got to know the dogs and learned that even though they looked scary, they were actually very friendly.

Had I responded in anger and judgment, I would have totally missed this opportunity and so would have my neighbor, the dogs, and my children. But love is contagious. It spread like a wildfire.

I also learned that the tall electrical tower in our yard is Tower 23. Now, I DON'T KNOW if that is the tower's "real" name, but that is what I heard when I read "T23" and "L2" writted on one of the metal bars. I felt inspired to not feel afraid of this tower, and instead, to love it, and learn from it. I have yet to find out if it is harmful, but the feeling of letting go of the fear is beautiful.

Yesterday as I was cleaning the garage, I found some worry dolls. They must have belonged to my Aunti Di or cousin Allen. I felt inspired to bring them into my home, take them out of their little pouch, and place them on my altar, next to the birthday faery in the center wreath. This morning, I heard, or felt, that one of their names was Annie, and I felt inspired to bring her on our walk outisde. She rode right over my heart, tucked in the strap of the Angelpack carrier Kenny was in. Every discovered her there later and wanted to hold her for a short while. Later when we went inside, I went upstairs and my grandma was on the phone with my Aunti Di. I asked her about the dolls, and she said of course I could have them.

It is so crazy and wonderful how once you respond to life with LOVE, everything just naturally falls into place. Where I felt inferiority, I feel equality. I feel love. Balance. Perfection. Zero. Divine. Gratitude. Peace. Joy.

You cannot make anyone feel it.

The possibilities are ENDLESS once you are open to love. The beginnings are limitless. Everything is exactly the way it is supposed to be. And it feels good. It feels SO GOOD to just LET GO.

A problem is only a problem if you think it is a problem.

We are still human though, and "problems" will arise.

Our REACTION is what counts. React in love, and you will find divinity.

Within yourself.

Within me.

Within us.

I love you!

I am so grateful to feel this with my children. Ho'oponopono is the way I can be the mother I was created to be. Love. This is how I can be unconditionally loving towards my children, and prevent outbursts of rage, from them or myself. I've had such a difficult time sticking to "gentle discipline" and s lot of guilty feelings go with not meeting my expections of myself, my children, and anyone else. Now that I let go, I also let go of whatever resentment, anger, anything holding me back from te beautiful relationships that we can have with each other (whomever that may be).

Stop. Look. Listen.

Breath.

LOVE.

Feel love.

Love love.

Breath love.

Live love.

BE love.

Posted by fruitofthewomb at 4:37 PM NZT

Updated: Tuesday, 24 June 2008 1:11 AM NZT

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Merry Beltane/May Day!

Also known as May Eve, May Day, and Walpurgis Night, happens at the beginning of May. It celebrates the height of Spring and the flowering of life. The Goddess manifests as the May Queen and Flora. The God emerges as the May King and Jack in the Green. The danced Maypole represents Their unity, with the pole itself being the God and the ribbons that encompass it, the Goddess. Colors are the Rainbow spectrum. Beltane is a festival of flowers, fertility, sensuality, and delight.

My youngest, Kenny, decided to wake up before the crack of dawn, so we took the opportunity to go outside and drink the morning dew, said to be blessed by the faeries. Then, later in the day, we celebrated withour dear friends Chris, Amanda, and their daughter Evie. We made a wonderful dinner of Mediterranean Tilapia with Couscous, a salad, french bread, guacamole, oranges, and then some strawberries and homemade whipped cream for dessert. It was divine indeed. We drank some Pinot Grigio, lit a bonfire (shown above), and just hung out, celebrating life, growth, fertility, and love.

Posted by fruitofthewomb at 4:54 PM NZT

Updated: Tuesday, 24 June 2008 1:12 AM NZT

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Star Cake Rules!!

Okay, I don't have an exact recipe, but here's what I did. I made a simple pound cake (using yogurt, since I didn't have the sour cream the recipe called for) in a star-shaped tin that I found in my grandma's pantry.

The day before, I had made some pudding with almond milk, brown sugar, cornstarch, butter and vanilla, and let that chill in the fridge for a day.

So I cut the star-shaped pound cake in half, creating two layers. On a big

Posted by fruitofthewomb at 10:33 PM NZT

Updated: Tuesday, 24 June 2008 1:16 AM NZT

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A beautiful Bird of Paradise and Palm leaf arrangement, with half of a ripe papaya, as I started getting creative with centerpieces for my table.

Posted by fruitofthewomb at 10:28 PM NZT

Updated: Tuesday, 24 June 2008 1:18 AM NZT

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My tribute to the fairies. This is my altar that is set up in the living room, for meditation, just lighting a candle, prayers, anything spiritual really... Since May Day is coming up, I brought out a bunch of my fairies that I made a long time ago. This was a fun one!

Posted by fruitofthewomb at 6:00 PM NZT

Updated: Tuesday, 24 June 2008 1:20 AM NZT

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To be honest, when painting this, I felt the unity that I have with humanity, with women in particular. I almost wanted to title this one "Vagina" and considered doing a Vagina Series. Lol. I guess that thought was created thinking about how no matter what we look like on the outside, we are all similar on the inside.

Posted by fruitofthewomb at 5:33 PM NZT

Updated: Tuesday, 24 June 2008 1:24 AM NZT

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Accountability. I am 100% responsible for everything that happens in my life. Because I EXIST, I CREATE things. Feelings, actions, reactions, words, motions, love, war, anything is possible. Whatever I encounter in this lifetime or others, I am there when I encounter it, therefore I have just as much potential as any other energy present to alter the flow. To change the course, in a constuctive or destructive way, neither being good nor bad. They just ARE and whatever happens will eventually balance out, mentally, physically, emotionally, globally, universally.

Love and beauty CAN BE. Just as much as anything else can. Liky simplicity, divinity, forgiveness, gratitude.

When I put love into what I do, I feel satisfied, content, and at peace. This goes for relationships, cooking, art, playing, exploring, relaxing, working, cleaning, gardening, cleansing, ritual, thoughts, etc...

In mothering, I have come to a place where I accept responsibility for my life, or at least I strive to... When something "goes wrong" then it is time to cleanse. Something that I have created has caused a REaction, an uncomfortable one. What I have put out, has come back to me, and I must take responsibility for it. I helped create the energy. It is time to state my unconditional love for all that is, all that is divine within myself and others. Then I sincerely apologize for whatever I or anyone connected to me has done now or in some other time or place to create self-destruction. I ask for forgiveness from the divine, and forgive myself, and others, for these creations, with respect to living each day anew and present. Each day is a fresh start, another chance, another beginning and another end. I give thanks for all that I am blessed with, all that others are blessed with, and all that is good. 

Posted by fruitofthewomb at 5:13 PM NZT

Updated: Tuesday, 24 June 2008 1:28 AM NZT

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Welcome!

My name is Michelle. I am a mother of two beautiful little boys who have more energy than I know what to do with. I strive to parent with love, peace, and joy. Learning is constant and so are challenges. In my journey towards simplicity, I will put up pictures or words to describe my experiences and share them with the world.

Blessed Be.

Posted by fruitofthewomb at 4:11 PM NZT

Updated: Tuesday, 24 June 2008 1:29 AM NZT

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