Topic: Ho'oponopono
Thank you. Thank you for this opportunity to return to my true self. To return to love and remember who I am and why I am here. Once again, the memory of rage has replayed itself. I lost it over Every (almost 3) repeatedly biting Kenny (11mo) yesterday. I remember how I felt when the rage hit. I was already feeling low on energy and needing a break, but couldn't see how to give myself one. Flashes of being hurt by my own older brother when I was younger, or anyone who ever bullied me for that matter, played in my mind. I remember what it felt like, the injustice, and couldn't stand seeing that play out in my home. I felt the mother bear urge to protect the Kenny, since he was so much smaller and more vulnerable. He seemed defenseless to his older brother, and I couldn't bear to see Every take advantage of that. I felt more and more angry and resentful each time he bit him. The first offense, I attempted to calmly separate them, comforting Kenny. Then I suggested that Every might need to let off some steam, because he was getting very "energetic". I then encouraged any good behaviors that followed. Then the second offense ensued. I was beginning to lose it. "Why did you do that?!" I yelled. "Don't you realize how much that hurts? You would not like to be bitten like that! That is not ok and I will not let you hurt him." He was put in time out. I was so angry inside that I couldn't speak to him after that. I was holding a grudge. "How dare he," is what I felt. So much for trying to be gentle with him, because that didn't work! Well, not immediately anyway. This second time around, my energy was quite low, and I could not think clearly with love to execute these appropriate actions anymore. Third offense. I lost it. I spanked him. =( Not very hard, but that doesn't matter, that is just me attempting to defend my error. He was crying and scared. He yelled at me and hit me back. He screamed for a long time, he was very angry. At the time, so was I. Confusion and overwhelm engulfed me. How did we end up at this point? I knew I made a mistake, but I didn't know how to fix it. I just felt like sitting there crying myself. Every fell asleep from exhaustion. I held him, sincerely apologizing, repeating over and over that I love him no matter what and that I am trying to change.
At this point, I was scared. Was he ever going to forgive me? Is he always going to be scared of me now? Will he end up depressed? I knew I needed to take responsibility for this. Although it was very tempting and hard to resist falling into my own depression about it, feeling like a failure as a mother. I began the process of forgiving myself. I had to apologize many many times in my mind and out loud for having done what I did, until I eventually began to feel compassion for myself, and for everyone else. At that time, Every woke up, distressed and what I could only describe as shaky. I knew I must prove myself, no matter how long it would take. I could not expect instant forgiveness. I had to reassure him that I love him and that he is safe with me. It took quite awhile for him to be calm, and me to not be stuck feeling depressed and ashamed.
This morning we awoke from a good, long night of sleep. We were in good spirits. Thank god for a new day with new opportunities for a fresh start! I am eternally grateful for the power of forgiveness and love. Today I am working on staying centered, keeping my energy bank filled by reconnecting with the divine as often as I can, and remembering love. When I am reconnected and in the presence of love, I think clearly, my energy is refilled, and I know exactly how to respond in a way that is perfect for everyone. So far, the boys are playing happily and I am trying my best to be my true self. Thank you!
